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Snickers Confirms Candy Bar D—k’Vein’ Remains

@SNICKERS/Twitter

The textured chocolate drizzle found on Snickers bars that have been compared to the veins found on the human phallus have not been removed from the well-known candies as rumored in one of the weirdest iterations of the right-wing panic around “wokeness” yet.

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After an image of a strangely smooth Snickers bar went viral, seeming to confirm what had been joke tweets about this very thing happening following the M&M’s rebranding campaign, joke headlines began to appear claiming that this was to be the new standard.

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“Snickers are officially caving and removing the world renowned dick vein from the candybar,” read one such headline.

However, this was not a real headline from an actual news source, but simply another chapter in the long-running internet meme that the details on Snickers bars make it look more like a penis than other candy bars.

The rumors got so bad, with so many people believing the fake news to be true, that fact-checking outlets and even Snickers itself felt compelled to respond and assure loyal customers that no, the smooth bar was not the future of the classic candy concoction. This will hopefully calm the many unfortunate individuals who thought this was true, including a number of right-wingers who really thought that the political left had “canceled” the Snickers “d–k vein.”

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It’s not entirely surprising that so many conservatives fell for the joke after they were whipped into a delicious frenzy over the small changes to those weird anthropomorphic M&M’s characters, especially when it came to the green one. As one of only two female M&M’s, she was considered to be the “sexy” one with her heeled go-go boots, which were swapped out for sneakers to reflect the fact that women are capable of wearing all kinds of footwear.

The redesign was meant to reflect a “more dynamic, progressive world” and shift the focus on the green and brown M&M’s “personalities, rather than their gender,” according to the candy company Mars. Conservatives had an entirely predictable meltdown over this news, which was featured on Tucker Carlson’s show on Fox News.

One of the main Twitter accounts that spread this rumor, which is currently named “transgender marx,” was clearly joking in their thread accusing the company of caving to wokeness. The account appears to routinely mock right-wing talking points by accusing various foods and other entirely neutral products of catering to “woke culture,” recently demanding the return of what was called “pink slime” in McNuggets.

While this saga has been put to rest for the time being, it remains funny to see all the conservatives who thought that what was very obviously a running joke was real.

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But mostly, it’s jokes by people who are mocking the constant right-wing hysteria over anything that might be interpreted as progressive or “woke” or whatever buzzword they’re using these days.

Written by Masha Fante

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